Did you see it? Just there? A couple posts before? It sounds like so much fun, and everything is so well in the life of A and J, and everything so calm and ordered and there are cupcakes damn it, cupcakes. And Journey! Who doesn’t love Journey?
Did you catch it though? The sad sense of *whisper* self sabotage, the staying out too late, the dancing, the drinking (really, come on you guys, you know me. There is too much boozing going on and I give you free reign to reprimand) the late nights and forgotten due dates, the scrambling and the studying and the fall backs on “just this once” and “only this time” and “I’ll fix it next times” that whisper from the rustles of the girls on the dancefloor, that shout from my Blackberry when I’m late for a meeting, that cry in my bathroom when I realise..
There is nobody to blame but me.
That I might actually be so afraid of everything to come, that I am so scared to make decisions that will affect my life and my loves, that I have tossed them into oblivion and am letting them fall, sad and forgotten around my shoulders like ash and so many burnt offerings, as I weep and tell myself that it is just too damn hard.
I’m scared guys.
I know what I need to do, I know that I need to work harder and I am so close, and that no decision is permanent and that everything can be bought and changed for dollars and sense that is lacking and abundant all at the same time, and worse comes to better than the worst I have plane tickets and backpacks at my fingertips and I will..
Right. Because putting it on paper, putting it in pixels, by licking my stamps and stamping my passport, I know that somehow that backpack is always big enough to carry all your problems with you. So I may as well sit in my hall closet with a backpack on and study and write and .. try. Because maybe, just maybe, seeing what I’m doing? Seeing that eating sandwhiches out of my bathtub and getting little sleep and no rest is the problem? Maybe it ends up that I run so far from myself, and figure out so much in the running, that a backpack is unnecessary.
Maybe just a little hard work is.
And some red wine.