slight of hand

alone_christian_lycke{Christian Lyke}

Did you see it? Just there? A couple posts before? It sounds like so much fun, and everything is so well in the life of A and J, and everything so calm and ordered and there are cupcakes damn it, cupcakes. And Journey! Who doesn’t love Journey?

Did you catch it though? The sad sense of *whisper* self sabotage, the staying out too late, the dancing, the drinking (really, come on you guys, you know me. There is too much boozing going on and I give you free reign to reprimand) the late nights and forgotten due dates, the scrambling and the studying and the fall backs on “just this once” and “only this time” and “I’ll fix it next times” that whisper from the rustles of the girls on the dancefloor, that shout from my Blackberry when I’m late for a meeting, that cry in my bathroom when I realise..

There is nobody to blame but me.

That I might actually be so afraid of everything to come, that I am so scared to make decisions that will affect my life and my loves, that I have tossed them into oblivion and am letting them fall, sad and forgotten around my shoulders like ash and so many burnt offerings,  as I weep and tell myself that it is just too damn hard.

I’m scared guys.

I know what I need to do, I know that I need to work harder and I am so close, and that no decision is permanent and that everything can be bought and changed for dollars and sense that is lacking and abundant all at the same time, and worse comes to better than the worst I have plane tickets and backpacks at my fingertips and I will..

Run away.

*sigh*

Right. Because putting it on paper, putting it in pixels, by licking my stamps and stamping my passport, I know that somehow that backpack is always big enough to carry all your problems with you. So I may as well sit in my hall closet with a backpack on and study and write and .. try. Because maybe, just maybe, seeing what I’m doing? Seeing that eating sandwhiches out of my bathtub and getting little sleep and no rest is the problem? Maybe it ends up that I run so far from myself, and figure out so much in the running, that a backpack is unnecessary.

Maybe just a little hard work is.

And some red wine.

 

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “slight of hand

  1. Tim

    On the one hand, so much of that rings all too true in my life as well. You are not alone, I can tell you that much, and of course I am always here to talk to – I hope you know that. I could never be too busy for a friend.
    On the other hand, I have faith in you, and I know you can persevere – you of all people are too capable to let this get to you.

  2. Mom

    We all like to think our troubles are unique. We all struggle, doubt and certainly wish to run away at times. The problem is that your troubles are so bloody patient and they will wait until sanity returns and will be there to meet you when you unlock your door and unpack your bag. No decision is written in stone and can’t be changed. The strength of character that is bred into you will see you through this – I have no doubt. I love you. xo

  3. I can’t add anything here that your mom didn’t already say.

    Just know that if you need someone to talk to, I’m always game for Journey and red wine.

  4. My grandpa used to have a saying from world war one. There was a song that went, “Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile.”

    He always said that the problem he would with that was when you pack up your troubles in your old kit bag, eventually you always have to unpack your old kit bag.

    If you’re struggling, I always vote for working it out where you are. It makes where you are easier to be around and your traveling much more exciting when you get to the bottom of things.

    And I’m terribly fond of you, always feel free to e-mail me.

  5. Theresa

    my main token phrase to life in general is “Everything happens for a reason” even if it doesn’t make sense. I lost my dream of a career by an accident and ended up meeting Randy and having a great life. Like your mom said nothing is set in stone, and there’s a reason why some of these choices are the hardest we ever make.

    Call me if you ever need to
    T

  6. im late to the punch here… but just wanted to offer you some e-hugs, and heaps of e-wine.

  7. can i just crib and repost? i am in the exact same position. but don’t be too hard on yourself. fun is okay, too.

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