God is on my roof. And He thinks I’m a bad person.

I think one of the best ways to describe my disposition is “skittish”. Because I’m so often lost in my own head, coupled with the fact I don’t have the worlds best hearing, I often get..surprised. (Ok. And I also have the memory of a goldfish and a lot of mirrors in my house. I turn around and soil my fishbowl on a regular basis.) Jared has taken to talking aloud as he walks around the house –

Jared: “Well, I think I’m going to wander into the bedroom. If you are in there sweetie I’m walking in the room in 5, 4, 3..2…1….”

Me: “AAHHHHH! Oh. My. I didn’t know you were home.”

Keeping in mind this is in our 2 bedroom apartment that is deadly silent at all times.

Until recently.

There is a sound. A loud sound. A sound that cannot be pinpointed except that it comes.. from above. A huge, hard, crashing, thump that shakes my entire house and makes the toilet water swish around. A sound that I have discussed with neighbors and prowled around outside leaping up and down hoping to see something on the roof. Like the Incredible Hulk yelling “House Smash!” as he attempts to bury his fist into my living room and pluck out the light fixture for a boutonnière.

It is  giving me a nervous condition. I walk around my house with my shoulders hunched up around my ears and I’m getting fabulous abs from being ready at a moments notice to attempt to not jump out of my skin. If only there was some indication of when it was going to happen it wouldn’t be so horrible.. but.. oh.. Wait. There is.

It happens everytime I’m doing something I’m not supposed to.

I’m not even joking. I didn’t realise it at first, until it made my little daily indulgences (chocolate from the treat drawer, drooling over online pictures of Don Draper, forgoing studying to play the new Wii zombie game, swanning about in my underwear dancing to Kings of Leon) unbearable. I’d be pulling upon the chocolate drawer and WHAM. I’d be standing in front of the open freezer at 2am peeling a fudgsicle and WHAM. I pulled out my credit card to buy a new somthin’ somthin’ from Etsy and WHAM. For gods sake, I took a study break to Starbucks and my neighbour said the banging went on for 20 minutes until I sat down again with my textbook. I took a damn bubble bath and thought the roof was going to cave in above me.

God is on my roof trying to make me a better person.

And it’s giving me an ulcer.


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8 responses to “God is on my roof. And He thinks I’m a bad person.

  1. Annnnd if possible, now I love you even more. I wonder why God doesn’t care that I’m sitting around in my underwear eating a slice of chocolate pizza instead of meeting my deadlines right now.

  2. O poor you! I hope the noises go away and you can go back to a more peaceful existence…
    (Still smiling about the bit about Don Draper)

  3. Tim

    tell me you have OneChanabara: Bikini Zombie Slayers and I will say, “I fucking love you so much that words cannot express it – even those words!!!”

  4. Lynn

    You had me at Don Draper….

  5. Hahahha. Could I borrow your WHAMMING God a few nights a week.. Around midnight? I could use a good crashing thump when I’m reaching for oreos.

    =) you’re cute. and will have amazing abs this summer apparently.

  6. I’m sorry if it scares you, but this is hilarious. I especially love all your “sins.”

  7. Maybe my banging isn’t roofers after all…

  8. LOL – and Laurie’s comment just makes this better too!

    I would be constantly on edge. Maybe drinking will help?

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