“I didn’t need that coffee anyway” and other white lies I tell myself.*

img_0003-4When I was little I thought I could see particles. Atoms actually.You know when you have those dots drift in your eyes, and they aren’t quite there, but they still are? Those. I was certain that I was some magic, scientific seeing machine. I never told anyone because I was afraid that they would take me away (“they” being the government) for the purposes of “military secrets”.

Today, as I slipped and fell and landed face down in a pile of slush, my fall and frostbite broken only by the Cinnamon Dolce Latte I managed to toss at my face and then at the ground before I bit it, I realized that as we get older what we think we see (atoms), and even what we actually see (black ice) – changes. Not in how we see things- of course my enormous simul-crush on Wesley Crusher and Stevie Nicks has evolved – but what we actually see. I have been so busy, so stressed, that I haven’t seen the incredible goodness in my life lately. Things like: having buck teeth means it looks like I have fuller lips. Having one foot larger suddenly get bigger than the other means Payless is a friggin’ goldmine. Dropped my gum in the snow? TADA! Gumsicle. Alright, so perhaps I didn’t think all of that as I was wondering what exfoliating properties road salt may have on my skin, but it was soon thereafter.

So, in no particular order – 6 things that were truly good in the past couple days.

1) I read a beautiful academic work called “The Controversy about Marx and Justice” by Norman Geras. So incredibly stunning, so well written, so perfect was this paper that at the end, reading the conclusion – I cried. Like, flat out tears running down my face heart warming tears. Reading it was like getting a brain massage. A touching, beautiful, honest, poignant brain massage.

2) I spent the evening tonight with my oldest friend, and I bought a little plant (see above). I am unsafe to have around animals, babies and generally anything that performs some sort of respiration or osmosis, but I have faith I can keep this little buddy alive. It makes me really happy.

3) I had a meeting with my editor and the art director today and it went so well. There were so many good ideas, so much incredible creative energy, so much encouragement and trust and excitement that my bones were buzzing when I left. I’ve been trying to turn to more creative pursuits lately, something I truly love – and it is paying off.

4) I aced (literally.. 4.0) a really tough exam. And, as my proff waived me down in the hall today to tell me I got the highest mark, instead of playing it off, I said “Yes, I studied very hard, and I’m glad that it showed!” and felt very proud of myself.

5) After 7 days of reading and stress, I wrote the thesis that will consume my life for the next 2 months. And was really, really happy for the 7 days of reading and stress when it all came together at 1am last night, looked back at me from the computer screen, I eyed it down, and we were both ok.

6) To the ladies who have been sending me super encouraging, hilarious, inspiring e-mails of late, be it concerning the state of their ice cream addiction, our mutual secret love of Journey, the inside scoop on Boston, our mutual secret forbidden love of each other, their adventures in France… Thank you. Without your humor and encouragement, all I would get in my inbox are assertions that I have yes indeed been married to a Nigerian Princess and won the Irish National Party lottery, but who cares because BHP is offering me a fabulous job and I can have an enormous stimulus package in my pants in 5 minutes, if I only send them 100$/my soul/my passport or Ester, my small Jewish niece. Considering you beat that out – you must all know how damn awesome you are.

Ok. Now I can go back to being a sarcastic old bag. But ya’ll like that anyways…Happy Tuesday.

*Alternate titles for this post:

“THAT Wesley Crusher”, “Down and Out on Jasper and 101”,  “Another one bites the dust.. and likes the taste. Cinnamony. “

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15 Comments

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15 responses to ““I didn’t need that coffee anyway” and other white lies I tell myself.*

  1. Wesley Crusher? As in Star Trek? Oh he was cute!! =D

  2. AH! I always thought the same thing! I thought I was some kind of human microscope for the longest time.
    I also thought I could see “fairy glitter” when the sun streamed through the windows, which to be honest, I much prefer to thinking “Man, I should dust more.”
    Glad to hear things are looking up!

  3. lol I love the alternate titles for this post!

    It’s so difficult to keep a broad focus and really experience the things that are going on around us, but when you can? Brilliant. And you have many moments of brilliance here.

  4. When I was a kid, I thought the same thing! I have NEVER spoken to anyone else who thought the same thing — it makes me feel a little better and a little more like I wasn’t crazy as a kid. 😉

    I’m happy that things are looking up, despite the fall this morning.

  5. Car

    Congrats on your test, beautiful!!!!! What is even more awesome than acing it is how you recognized the need to acknowledge your deserved aced-ness. Way to go! *high five* * chest bump*
    I also wanted to acknowledge the merits of identifying gratitude. I owe sounder sleep to my nightly gratitude journal where I only allow myself to write down things I was grateful for that day. I try my best to not include snarky ones (“I’m grateful for not nose-diving into a snowbank whilst carrying a cinnamon dolce latte”) and to let T pitch in his 2 bits each time (“I am grateful for you and for chocolate lucky charms”).
    I have a surprise for you, my dear. It just can’t wait until your birthday as I had planned… hehe… watch your mailbox. xoxoxo

  6. I’m so glad there has been so many positive things going on in your life as of late. You do work hard, and deserve to stand in the spotlight for a moment.

    I’m no good at keeping succulents alive. I am obsessed with plants, but I think I care about the succulents too much when all they want is to be abandoned. Ha.

  7. Aw you do make me giggle —> “Cinnamony” 😀
    Glad you’ve had lots to make you smile!

  8. Haha did you ever watch “Alex Mac” when you were little? That girl had magical powers, and the government was always trying to find her. But you know, she could turn herself into liquid.

  9. Further proof of our soul mate status: I was thinking JUST LAST NIGHT about my childhood crush on Wesley Crusher. Also, I too was convinced of my super-secret microscope-vision as a kid. Amazing!

    And congrats on busting that exam’s ass! You rock!

  10. Laurie, Sarah, E.P. – I can’t believe we all thought this.. I know have the urge to share other embarassing stories to validate myself as “not entirely bonkers” – Though,when I read your comments, I thought to myself “We’re pretty evenly distributed across the country.. maybe we ARE a military experiment.. and we’ll like, the subjects..”
    Rach and Laurie – A serious, serious CRUSH. Somebody recently pointed out (a fellow man-nerd I’ll add) that he was a secondary character. Secondary character, first in my heart.. *sigh*
    Kyla – Thank you. I’m really, truly trying. It’s strange, because when you slip into a bout of cynacism and sarcasm, lets face it, it’s a lot funnier. But I’ll forgo some humour on here to turn my face to the sun for a bit.
    Car – You’re completely right. Jared and I used to discuss them before bed – “what’s the funniest/best/most wonderful things that happened to you today” but sometimes, actually putting them down on paper helps so much. And now I am eagerly awaiting mail! *yesssss*
    Elle – That’s what the tag says.. basically it’s a cactus.. But I just can’t resist paying it so much attention.. already. This will end badly I know.
    Good Girl Gone Blog – Lady, I had totally forgotten about that show, and yes, I totally watched it. It’s so true.. and so fabulous! Thank you for the reminder!

  11. Argh! Those monsters at Revenue Canada will find you and tell you you owe all kinds of money you don’t owe and will never admit to screwing anything up if you don’t file. Monsters I tell you!

  12. this was not only a gorgeous post, but you deserve all the awesomeness.

    that said, and i mean this only in the most forbidden loving of ways, if i’d have seen that fall, i would not have been able to keep from laughing. falling is funny.

    but so sorry you lost that latte! and hope you didn’t bruise your coccyx! that is the worst.

  13. Gina – Yeah. There are three things that always keep me laughing – farts, falls, and dogs humping. The last ruins the alliteration, but makes life fun. So it’s ok. I would have laughed at you too. MOSTLY BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE ICE ON THE GROUND WHERE YOU LIVE.

  14. I feel like we should get coffee together. And bemoan the life of a grad student. We could also do this while having a Boston thrift store adventure. You know you want to….

    Also, those things in your eyes? The atoms? Those are nerve cells that have come off of your retina and are floating in your eyeball. No joke.

  15. P.

    You are such a stud! Congratulations for doing so well on your exam – I find the hardest thing to do is to give myself credit, and I’m so happy you did. Hurray!

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