This week has been one of the strangest, most embarrassing and hilarious weeks I’ve had in a while. SO, instead of doing a Friday 5 of things that I’m thankful for, we’re going with 5 things that happened this week that really really need to be shared.
I was trying on dresses in Club Monaco for my lecture this Saturday, and sometimes, well, I put those damn dresses on the wrong way. I never know if they’re supposed to go over your head or up your body, which inevitably leaves me wedged in some piece of black fabric whimpering like a cat in a bag. So Wednesday I’m all up in this beautiful black dress, and go out to the big mirror to check myself out. Sitting there are a pair of black heels, of course not my size, but I pop them on. The dress is lovely, so I teeter back to my change room and push the door closed. Or so I assumed. I then proceed to attempt to take off the dress over my head, ending up with it wedged around my shoulders. At about the same time that I realized the situation was hopeless, one of the black over sized heels slipped to the side and flung me at the door. Which wasn’t closed at all. Which meant that I was lying in the middle of the floor of Club Monaco, unable to see due to the dress around my head, and I had to basically inchworm my way back to where I THOUGHT my change room might be. But I bought the dress.
Walking to the bus stop yesterday a car veered towards me from the opposite side of the street, screeched to a halt in front of me and popped its trunk. I was standing there listening to Britney Spears thinking “I’m going to get stuffed in a trunk. I don’t want the last thing I’m listening to to be Britney Spears.” Not RUN, not FIGHT.. but “How about Kings of Leon?” The man leapt out of his car, ran towards me, and grabbed a coffee table off the sidewalk, stuffing it in his trunk.
This one is really Jared’s, but we laughed so hard. Jared was teaching a younger kid earlier this week when they both smelled… a smell. A smell that got so bad that the poor kid was holding one hand over his face and trying to drum with the other. Somebody microwaved goddamn CLAMS. The very next day there was a sign, which I was photo texted in the middle of a very serious and solemn class on Restorative Justice that said “PLEASE DO NOT MICROWAVE SEAFOOD IN THE PUBLIC MICROWAVE. Thank you.” Any bets that that teacher took tuna to school everyday in elementary?
We thought the lady downstairs kicked the can. I know thats not that funny, but in all honesty, I was asking everyone I knew what dead people smelled like, because it was THAT bad. We haven’t seen her for weeks, this weird deathy smell permeated the hallways, and to be honest, I know her bed is under mine and I really wanted to be able to title a post “There is a dead lady under my bed. Literally.” Unfortunately.. I mean fortunately.. she is alive. I, on the other hand, have discovered I have no heart and watch too much CSI.
Somebody threatened to beat me up. Namely, the 65 year old lady in my biology class. She’s a bit nutto, which we’ve all recognized, and if anyone exhales too loudly she shoots daggers of death from her cataracty orbits. Which is a lot, since the hipsters behind me talk in their “outside voices” all the time. We’ve already had a run in in which she rudely told me to shut up and I had to tell her that she was old enough to know better than to talk to people so rudely. Wednesday the same thing happened and she told me to look out for my safety! Seriously? I thought I was going to die laughing. It might help that she has a seriously comical eastern European accent that makes everything she says sound like she’s part of the Oprichniki.
I’m amending this post to include this story that my sister just left in the comments, because apparently yes, it runs in the family –
Mikaela – On Thursday morning, in a desperate attempt to be able to wake up in time for my History midterm, I took off towards the holy Starbucks. Juggling an iPod, a phone with a nasty (and confused) Loblaws bookeeper on the other end, and two history textbooks, I realized that the majority of my hair had strategically inched its way out of my pony tail. At this point, I also realized that the still ongoing phone call had interrupted me halfway through my make-upping, meaning only one of my eyes had mascara on it.
Miraculously, I managed to calm said bookeeper and get to Starbucks intact, with all books and gadgets in hand, and jet straight to the bathroom to finish my face. The bathroom smelled wonderful. Not your average air-freshener, I thought, as it was able to cover the smell of a bathroom frequented by each and every bum (no pun intended) in the Centretown area. So I did what every normal person would do (this is how i justified my actions) and reached, on tippy toes in shoes that were too small but too cute to let go of, above the mirror to try to grab the supercalafragilistic automatic fragrance dispersing machine. What I didn’t realize, was that there was an “Express” button, which sprayed fragrance upon the slightest push. This unfortunate realization came with a shot of Meadow Breeze to my now fully mascara-ed eyes.
Recovering from this horrible occurrence wasn’t easy, and all day, I was constantly reminded of it by people saying, “Wow, you smell good! Like.. bathroom good!”
But no, that’s not the end. Every day at around 8:30am, a group of very attractive, very successful looking young interns (or so I have assumed) appear around said Starbucks. After getting my venti coffee, I headed towards school with a sense of optimism, thinking that my fate of smelling like Glade all day was the worse that could happen. As I crossed the street, I saw the herd of hunnies, the clan of cuties, the bevy of babes.. coming straight for me. In an attempt to fix my somewhat held together hairdo, I was walking, looking down at the ground with one hand gripping a cup, and one hand fondling my locks. Then, I looked up. Just in time to see that I had curved slightly in my pace, and was now half an inch from.. no, now I was smashed in and half wrapped around.. a street sign. With that glorious 20oz. of freshly brewed caffeinated glory covering the better part of my body. In shock, and more embarrassment than ever, I froze, staring at the ground and recognizing that Coldplay’s “Fix You” had come on shuffle on my iPod. This more than depressing track set my morning’s greatest defeat into a slow motion haze of Meadow Breeze and Pike Place brew.
Regardless, one of the ravishing roamer’s help to clean me off, commenting on my “perfume”. I made it to my midterm on time, and felt quite confident leaving it.. getting home just in time to shower before work.
When you try your best but you don’t succeed (looking normal),
When you get what you want but not what you need (a cup of coffee.. now empty), When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep (study, study, study),
Stuck in reverse (or slow motion). And the tears come streaming down your face (or at least, in your mind they do), When you lose something you can’t replace (that venti with the perfect sugar to milk to coffee ratio),
When you love something but it goes to waste (the gathering of the gorgeous)…
Could it be worse? (probably).
Alright my lovelies, I hope you have a fabulous, hilarious and happy hour filled Friday. Thank you again for all the wonderful, kind, supportive e-mails and comments. You’re the best readers a girl could hope for. xo