I operate almost exclusively in panic mode. So much so, that the only deviations that truly cause disruption in my life are the times where I am forced to relax. Panic becomes the norm, becomes the regular – I only ever really get sick, tired, depressed, sad… when it slows, when it cools, when it relaxes. To be honest, it brings about a strange panic.. what I imagine the onset of a heart-attack must look like, physiologically – a panic stricken slowing, a drowning in molasses, and inability to move quickly and with decision, only slowly and ineptly.
The end of exams, this halting, stilted stop study go exam relaxness – it’s a stretch of two weeks where I’m periodically thrown from pools of molasses to water, drowning in one and suddenly thrashing through the other, told to alternately relax and swim for shore.
I think it bothers me.. because I have no other choice than to sit down, think, organize. I can’t defer to not having time, I can’t not look at grad schools and insurance policies, my new wrinkles and old scars, I have to organize my time to study enough and not ‘get by’ -I don’t have any excuses. Which I suppose.. means that I don’t deal well when all I have is me to blame.
HOWEVER – In lighter news, if this all goes south – I’ve got a lifeline this weekend. Laurie over at Your Ill-Fitting Overcoat has graciously acquiesced to guest blogging here at M&C for a “Sunday Kind of Love” post. So please do stop by, if only to laugh at me in the swamp of molasses and bad metaphors. But mostly because Laurie is a great gal.